We’re all back into the swing of things now, aren’t we? The first working week of 2020 is done, the determination we had when we started our New Year diets is being tested and, in fact, all the goals that we attached to #NewYearNewMe are on a very tentative see-saw.
Last year I thought I would get my book published, however, a lot of life ‘stuff’ got in the way, most notably me signing up to the Cardiff Half Marathon and so due to needing A LOT of training, my Year of the Book became Year of the Run. I don’t regret this at all; I had always wanted to run it and I’m proud that I did but my biggest passion has always been writing and so this inevitably had to go on the back burner for a little bit. Now I’ve finally had my novel proofread by some fantastic people, it’s been edited and now it’s ready to be published! Have I been making inroads to do that? Well, umm, sort of… The problem is that all that life stuff keeps popping up again and it’s making me feel endlessly guilty. I’ve signed up to another 10k running event, which is imminent and requires more training, there’s the obvious everyday going to work thing and trying to make sure I make time for the special people in my life. Of course, this is ‘stuff’ that has to be done and I enjoy it but this does usually mean that I’m too low on time or too knackered to sit down and fry my brain with how to format a book for publishing. AND I FEEL SO BLOODY GUILTY! For example, I was pretty much bed bound yesterday due to illness and I even felt guilty that I wasn’t using this time to work on the book. Instead I chose to sleep and rest which is obviously the logical and sensible thing to do, yet it felt wrong. I’m fully aware that the only reason for this guilt is myself. I know I have people who are excited for my book to be released but is anyone really wetting themselves with anticipation as I dilly dally with getting it done? Or as stressed about my lack of blogging as I am? Probably not. I’m the one who is desperate to get my book out there and the more ‘Dreams Only Work if You Do’ memes I see or ‘Girl Wins Awesome Prize at Awesome Thing Aged 5 Months Old’ news stories I read the more guilt I feel. So, dearest reader, here is my confession. I feel guilty as fuck all the time. I feel guilty for feeling guilty and also feel guilty for not thinking ‘fuck this feeling guilty thing.’ It’s a lot to handle and I doubt it’s going to go away but all I can do is fit in what I can and hope that one day you’ll see my name stamped on a book that you’d perhaps quite like to buy. |
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